Baby on Board Nonsense

Oh let me count the ways this bothers me.

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1. Well shit lady, I was just about to smash my car into yours until I saw the sign.

2. Is this an advertisement for kidnappers? Just hang your kid from the window.

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3. I am pretty sure every car out on the road has a human in it. Yes, every human rather small or large has a heartbeat and that is why we don’t want to crash into one another.

4. Did you drive like an idiot before your child and now you are more aware that you share the road with other morons who can’t drive?

5. Do you think that sign will stop some reckless wheeler from acting a fool? If they have no regard for others do you think that sign is going to stop them from being a dick? I can picture the thought process of an asshole driving fast and dangerous. Oh look they have a baby in the car, I better put my beer away and slow down.

6. What if someone can’t have a child and has been trying really hard to conceive or adopt? Now you are just rubbing some good fortune in their face, rude!

7. Oh your baby is a surfer? (Might take some of you a bit for this one.)

8. What in the fuck is wrong with you? Do you own a sign company and just had some leftover vinyl letters available so you thought I’ll just announce this to the world. This person even had it on the side windows.

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Here are some of the signs I want to make:
NO BABY ON BOARD SO FEEL FREE TO REAR END THE SHIT OUT OF ME. (No pun intended.)

Here’s my Baby on Board

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Stop with the stick figurine families as well. Some Stranger Danger Dude could be bored one day and see you have a bunch of children up for grabs. Just follow that car and bam, your honor student is snatched up. It’s even more brilliant when someone puts their name on a soccer ball. Now Creeps McGeeps knows the kids name when he offers them some candy. Hey, I don’t like the way the world has become either but we have to cover our asses and those we love now.

I was once a passenger in a car where sperm in a semen tank was being transported. Hell that might be a good sign, sperm on board. We could roll down our windows and make our hands flow with the wind to signal other people future children are on board.

I am not even anti-kids. I happen to share a home with three of them whom I love dearly. I have actually been the chauffeur on occasion. Yes, I become much more of a defensive driver and pay closer attention to my own surroundings but there is no announcement needed. We are all precious cargo people. It should be a given not to have to announce it. I don’t give a shit what’s on board, drive with courtesy so we all get out alive and well.

Mom’s Butt got Stuck to the Floor

Originally posted on The Life of Sandido:

You know people; we dogs watch everything you do. There is a reason we don’t speak human, y’all would be in so much trouble.  I watched my Mom open a box and pull out some pieces of plastic. She was reading the back of it and I was getting bored. I let her know I needed to know if this box contained food. She let me smell the plastic and it didn’t smell good so I walked away and got in bed. I started to drift off and then Mom was yelling from that room where the glass stall she gets in every morning is. I ran to her rescue only to find her in tears. They weren’t the sad ones where we cuddle all weekend and eat Cheetos. No, these were “I’m in pain tears.” She had one foot on the bathtub and one of the plastic pieces in…

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Liebster Award Nomination

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I was having a particularly rough Monday morning. I have been a bit down in the dumps lately with this and that. Nothing that will matter in a year or even a week so I don’t know why I’m allowing it but it happens from time to time. I decided to check my email as I was about to take my first sip of coffee when I opened up “Your blog, http://nikkiolsen.wordpress.com/ has been nominated for the Liebster award.”

My first thought was “crap, I have been hacked.” After a bit of research I also see that my dog’s blog http://sandido.wordpress.com/ was nominated as well. “Shit, why would someone hack a 9 pound helpless dog’s blog?”

Well, none of the above was true. This wonderful person with the blog http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/
not only nominated me but Sandido is getting a shout out as well.

A little more research showed that Liebster is actually a german word meaning:sweetheart, beloved person, darling, dear, darling; beloved, liked very much; affectionate, loving, favorite, preferred above others; liked or loved above others.

Um, are you sure you got the right person? I mean Dido definitely but I am a brutally honest smart ass.
Upon further investigation it seems there are rules and it is more to get the name of us little bloggers out in the big interwebs. It’s actually a huge deal to me to have anyone acknowledge what I really love to do.

I went ahead and put my gown away and stopped writing my speech for the big ceremony and read out loud to Sandido what http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/spreading-blog-love-the-liebster-award/ said about us. My face truly lit up and I felt proud of the following words:

“A big and sincere thank you goes to all my fellow bloggers for writing such interesting, funny, inspirational, and educational things every day – they are my nominees for the Liebster Award. Check them out and see what I’m talking about:

1. The Life of Sandido – a lucky-as-”chit” dog with a pretty darn good life. Funny, smart and opinionated, he’s sure to put a smile on your face every time you read one of his posts.

2. Nikkiolsen’s Blog – now you no longer have to wonder where Sandido gets his sense of humor. Like mother like son, I guess.”

Oh yeah, she hit the nail on the head. I was elated with these words and the nomination. Talk about a grumpy woman changing her mood from sour to sweet.

However, Sandido wanted his breakfast before discussing his blog.

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The 11 questions about myself I am supposed to answer are the following. Here goes nothing.

1. Have you done much traveling? If so, where?
Yep. Usually on a plane, train or automobile. Even a ferry from time to time.

2. What is your favorite thing to do on a day off, or a day just to yourself?
Oh let your imagination run wild.

3. What compels you to share what you do with others?
It’s part of my probation.

4. Who are some of your biggest influences in life?
My girlfriend and Mother.

5. How many languages do you speak?
Drunk Ebonics and English.

6. What is a very memorable experience you have that has influenced you or your direction in life?
Falling out of the uterus.

7. What is an important goal of yours?
To get paid to do what I love. (This.)

8. What is your best tool for dealing with opposition in life?
A screwdriver, definitely a screw driver.

9. What is the one thing you think people need to embrace to enrich their lives and the lives of others?
One another.

10. Where is one of your favorite places to go and enjoy or visit?
My Mom’s house on Vashon Island with my love.

11. What are 3-5 words that best describe you?
Nikki, Sarcastic, and a bit off.

Now on to the random facts about myself:
1. My socks will never match again in my life. Once upon a time I had to have them folded, paired, color coordinated and sorted by size. My closet looked like a GAP store. It was a ridiculous amount of time wasted.

2. The more I care less what people think of me the happier I become.

3. I believe my dog rescued me and opened up my closed heart.

4. I’d rather be around my dog or by myself than 90% of the human race.

5. I’m only on number 5 and this bothers me because I am supposed to do 11.

6. There is a rubber chicken above my desk staring at me.

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7. I refuse to use the word hate.

8. I am over this randomness.

Now I am suppose to nominate 5 or more blogs with less than 1000 followers.

1. http://lauraagudelo272.wordpress.com/ Because I love funny pictures and the ease of navigation is wonderful.

2. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/about/ Because it makes me laugh.

3. http://annalindthomas.com/about/ Again, I love to laugh.

4. http://lateralloveaustralia.com/ Always brings me back down to earth with a meaningful quote.

5. http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/spreading-blog-love-the-liebster-award/ Because I like the love of nature portrayed and she hasn’t owned a television in 7 years.

These are the rules for being nominated. I don’t expect anyone to do it unless they choose to.
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:

- Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)
- Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
- Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
- Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)
- Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
- List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
- Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!).”

Conversations Between Dog and Human

nikkiolsen:

I love me some Sandido.

Originally posted on The Life of Sandido:

“Whoa wait, Mom, are you starting a blog for me? Well, people already think you are a nut. You are kind of obsessed with me so it’s only fitting you tell the world. Oh and Grandma will totally love it. Start with some of my really cute pictures. People will love those.”

“Um Sandido, I started it a week ago. You already have about 300 views and a few followers.”

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“Cool, whatever. Look at this bug.”

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“It’s just a Cicadas which are often colloquially called locusts, although they are unrelated.”

“Stop trying to educate me Mother dear, I am a dog and that bug just tried to kill me . Can I have a treat while I sit here? I almost died from that loco ca-ca bug. I need a treat.”

“No, you can’t have a treat right now.”

“Fine, I will just sit up here and look cute. I…

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My Mami’ is Loca!

nikkiolsen:

Almost got deported.

Originally posted on The Life of Sandido:

We continued to encounter odd things on our trip to Grandma’s house. This is the route we took.

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That first day was really long but I got to see my former roommates and friends. I missed them a bunch so the reunion was fun. This is my old friend who I use to hide things from under the bed because she couldn’t fit.

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That is Zeauxi, but I called her Monkey. It was easier to spell and say. She moved to ElPaso with Edwards Dad and we were excited to see them so we drove for a really long time the first day. Once we finally made it I had some treats with Edward and Z while our parents enjoyed some really good smelling food and something they call adult beverages. While the humans are indulging in those drinks, this is a good time to sneak food and look cute…

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Road Trip

nikkiolsen:

Cute blog from a dog’s view.

Originally posted on The Life of Sandido:

My Mom and I have been all over the place. We had a house in Spring and then Mom decided to take an opportunity in Seattle. My Grandmother lives there so it was a total bonus. That amazing woman cooks some delicious food. When I say food, I mean homemade Sandido treats, these bone things with marrow in them, and oh those T-Bone bones. My Mom would tell her no but who argues with their own Madre? Thankfully not mine.

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I had to behave and keep it on the towel. I didn’t mind. My Mom agreed to allow this but when I got all of that delicious meat off she took it away from me. That totally sucked but it was a good excuse to take a nap.

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So, that is the good part about getting to Grandma’s house. Of course I am getting off subject with food. Mmm, food…

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Hauling Ass

Oh these days are tough on other people. Especially for those who have no sense of humor. I am in a smart ass mood and if you aren’t a secure person and take life very serious I am not for you. If you want to pull that stick out of your anal region feel free to take me with a grain of salt. What does that mean anyway? No one wants a singular grain of salt. Now, a pinch of salt is a different story. Everything tastes better with a pinch of salt. Except water, that would taste horrible.

I know my sense of humor isn’t for everyone. Thank goodness for that, everyone is a shit ton of people. It took me 20 some years to love myself. I don’t have that kind of time to invest in anyone else’s opinions. I try my best not to make fun of people. I try even harder not to fault people’s stupidity. That one is really tough. I damned sure treat people how I would like to be treated. Karma is my religion. Probably one of the biggest annoyances to others is my constant questioning of things.

I am questioning many things today. For example, why are they called boxing gloves? I am pretty sure that is a mitten. I did grow up in the Midwest after all and I have never seen a one thumbed glove.

Why do they make you say the tongue twister, “Sally sells seashells down by the seashore?” I think someone should tell Sally that is a horrible place for a seashell stand; people can pick up their own crustaceans.

Why do people say they are “sweating like a pig?” If they were actually wallowing in a mud puddle when they uttered those words I would be more inclined to take them serious. That is what a pig does when it needs to cool off. There is not a lot of perspiration going on. But if you want to call yourself a pig, who am I to question it?

I like funny things. Sure, I am human like everyone else and hide behind humor in certain situations but 90% of the time I am simply happy and like to laugh. I have a handful of incidents that happened in my life that always make me literally laugh out loud. I tend to think about them during inappropriate times and start to giggle. It is usually in a tense moment or when I am supposed to be quiet.

My first go to laughter moment is from when I was in a public restroom unwrapping a feminine hygiene product. A small child was occupying the stall next to me with her mother and she blurted out “why does she get a snack?” Of course I sat there mortified and considered spontaneously combustion prayers. I am not sure why I was so embarrassed. The kid had a point; it does sound like a ding dong wrapper coming undone. I just wanted to put my junk in the trunk and get out of there before I had to face them.

It’s no secret I am not a fan of public restrooms, nevertheless they are a necessary evil. I simply can’t understand why women even want to go in that god forbidden place, much less together. I love my friends more than life but I don’t want unnecessary bathroom banter between a metal divider covered in who knows what. I have to question a person’s mental stability if they are just chilling in there with someone who is using the commode in a particular matter which includes flatulence and other commotions.

Yes, yes I know we all do it. I have even been known to experience such abnormal activity. Mine is performed while above a small pond of water in a porcelain bowl apparatus as a habit. One night I may or may not have had the dreadful ‘I hope my girlfriend slept through that because it woke my old bodankadonk up’ detonation. It baffles my brain when someone purposely pushes the pungent emission of intestinal gas from their ass. I mean seriously, how do you know that only air will break loose? Yeah exactly, do your own laundry please.

Damn it, I am off subject again. Anyway, my girlfriend and I were on a road trip and those community toilets are inevitable. I approach the blue sign with the usual caution looking for signs of death or drug use and I found none. I opened the door and was pleasantly surprised with the option to choose a stall. One was occupied; another woman was washing her hands but talking to the occupant in the cubicle like booth when I heard the worst explosion ever. I almost ducked for cover. The hand washer then said “woo-wee girl, whad you eat? Girl, that was bad.” I felt like I was frozen in terror. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t look and I damned sure was afraid to breathe. Breathing requires inhaling and I had to get out of there. What if an aftershock is about to hit the fan? Shit, shit, shit do I turn and run?

Out of fear I may have peed a little on my way out the door because I never did make it to a toilet. My eyes were wide open; my face was pale white as I bolted towards the car. I felt like I just committed armed robbery because I jumped in and said “go, go, go.” Of course we didn’t take off immediately but if I would have been driving we might have left skid marks leaving that gas station. It is wrong people, wrong. I know it happens but no, no, no…you can’t just sit in there and talk about it. Dump and flush people. It’s a courtesy flush. Not to just your poor pressed ham buttocks but to all of mankind.

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Okay enough of this, I have to go. I am not feeling well.

Peace