Getting My Spring On


It’s not a secret I am not a fan of exercise. It’s just not my thing. If I am going to “work out” I want to be doing something worthwhile. I mean like yard work, painting, going on a nature trail hike, walking around the neighborhood looking at people’s houses or in their windows if the opportunity arises or riding a real life bicycle is my kind of exercise. Don’t think for a moment I am going to jump on some treadmill or eucalyptus machine, sweat my ass off and be standing in the same place where I started with nothing to admire along my way or when I am finished. Just shut up now with your shit “oh, you can admire your body when you are done.” NO!

In Texas the weather is warm enough for getting the yard ready for the summer. I spent half of Saturday and all day Sunday getting my spring on. I built a planter box, which actually consisted of screwing a kit or two together. I planted some more herbs in my pallet thingies, moved them all over the place and shoveled more dirt than a House wife of Atlanta can dish. I completely murdered a palmetto with a drain spade shovel as if I were trying out for the role of Chucky. Of course my body is sore because, well I am out of shape, duh. I just said I didn’t like exercise.

I am sure my co-workers think I had an exhausting weekend of rough sex and craziness. I mean, I am walking bowl-legged or bull-legged depending on where you are from. They know my vodka consumption is plenty so I can’t argue with their conclusion. My consistent moaning and groaning probably doesn’t help. One in particular might be speculating if I have a tapeworm after witnessing me reach down for the bottom drawer of a file cabinet only to stay in that position and walk backwards to my office chair without straightening up because my body wouldn’t do it. I then proceeded to scoot my office chair forward looking similar to a dog dragging his ass on the carpet. Don’t judge; I didn’t want to have to bend down again. The other option would be to stoop down with my knees in a squatting position but I am afraid I might pee a little. I am not kidding when I say EVERY muscle hurts. I did go to the bathroom today and the minute I started to squat my legs began to tremble and I wished for a pull string like in the hospital or one of the “help, I’ve fallen buttons.” So naturally, I have been holding it all day.

As I was carrying paving stones across the yard yesterday I tried to hold one in each hand and pretend they were weights. That was stupid; I can feel the burn in that muscle still. I need to do more of this because I am expanding. I am the biggest I have ever been and I don’t like it. My boobs are huge and that’s asinine. I went from a 34B to a 36C. I know most women pay for this which I don’t understand. They also go to a gym so they can wear a bathing suit with a string up their ass. I don’t get that either. I can’t even stand it when a hair drops down in that crack. I go crazy trying to get it out. If they want to be a sling shot, fine by me but I am not interested.

I told my girlfriend the other night I was going to have to start waking up 10 minutes earlier everyday just to wash all of this. She is sweet with statements like “you always look good, no matter what.” No! I might be exaggerating a little but I do need to get busy with more physical activity. I really do enjoy building stuff and making things and it is just a bonus I get some much needed exercise. Here are some pictures of stuff I have been doing. Some of my friends think I am crafty and creative. Truth is I just like fresh herbs, delicious vegetables and free shit.

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Peace. Please be kind!

And yes, I know it is called an elliptical machine.

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