I am posting this from the site https://iamnotbatshitcrazy.wordpress.com/
I think more people need to be aware of horrible and difficult struggles.
I would say that most people have heard the expression Bat Shit Crazy. It’s all fun and games until it happens to you. I could sit here and write for hours on how I lost my mind but I only recall bits and pieces of it. I have never been a believer of depression or mental health issues partly out of ignorance. I just believed a person should suck it up buttercup and get on with life. Well, that’s easy to preach until you are the bat and certifiably insane.
After I had isolated myself from every person who loves me, attempted suicide, drank myself into a catatonic state unconsciously, became homeless living out of a hotel, spent time in two psychiatric facilities, two Emergency rooms, six to seven Psychiatrists, three Therapists, and prescribed a total of 16 different types of medications in 5 months I finally have a sense of being.
I am not writing this so people will feel sorry for me or forgive my actions during that time. I am writing this to let people know mental health issues are no joke. If a person has a heart attack you don’t just say “come on, get out of bed and get going.” It was the same for me. My mind was going crazy, I couldn’t stop it. I wanted desperately to be me, the fun loving, calm, sane, down to earth girl I had always known. Instead my mind raced nonstop, suddenly no one seemed loving, work was boring, my entire body felt like quick sand, especially my thoughts. Anything that had ever caused me pain, shame, guilt took over my entire psychic space. There was no room for reasoning or sanity. The only way I know how to explain it, imagine being stuck in a trough of oatmeal trying to walk to the other end all the while crying and people just going on about life around you as you struggle to just take a step. You feel invisible and worthless and will do anything to get out of that misery.
Yet, like a heart attack, you can’t just go out and eat a cheeseburger and fries to feel better. It will have a negative impact on your body just as drinking alcohol will do to a person in a depressive episode. If you are really stuck and add the prescribed drugs to it all of the sudden you are face first in the oatmeal. I remember bits and pieces of the last few months. I can’t take any of it back. I can attempt to understand it and get to the bottom of it. I continue to read to understand it, I continue to write to explain it and I will do the work so it doesn’t happen again.
I take responsibility for my actions and I forgive myself. Yes, even the parts I don’t remember because my actions contributed to those episodes. I do not apologize for being in a major depressive episode though. I did not have any control over this chemical imbalance. I did not see any meaning to life and only wanted out. Thankfully I did have enough sense to get help and continue to do so every single day. It is going to take quite some time to understand the actions of that amoral, narcissistic person I had become. This started some years ago and I let it go untreated until it became quite complex. The truth is it is a matter of finding out what these underlying issues are and understanding them.
So, for those of you going through this there is definitely hope. Trust me on this. Watch out for medications prescribed. Don’t self-medicate and listen to your body. Get second opinions, third, who cares how many until you find what works for you. As a person once told me “some people are just wired different.” Stop yourself and ask for help when you feel like you are suffocating.
If you are experiencing a loved one going through this do what you have to do to take care of yourself first. Don’t give up on them if possible. If you have to then don’t feel guilty. Again, it’s similar to the heart attack. If they are out jeopardizing their recovery from the attack by drinking, eating greasy food or those kinds of things you have no choice but to let go.
If you are a third party trying to give advice on such a difficult matter, DON’T. You have not a clue what either side is going through and people experiencing such a horrific thing do not need to hear more negative things. A person going through a severe depression doesn’t do things to get a response out of others. They simply don’t see any other way out. What an awful thing to say about another person fighting to just survive.
No matter what, try and be kind. In any circumstance it is the only thing that helps.
And just to be clear, I know I am not crazy but it’s fun to say bat shit crazy. Oh and I can’t stand oatmeal.