So the last two days have been a little hectic for me. It’s nothing awful or anything, there has just been some unimportant challenges. The first is my stupid car again. Yes, it is getting up there in age and seems to get more tired every day but I still like it. And I am sorry I called it stupid.
Anyway, I get to work barely on time and as I am walking up the steps I hear this siren like thing going off. It actually sounds like one of the emergency vehicles overseas. For lack of any real words it is like “weee-ooo-weee-ooo.” I hit the panic button on my remote but it doesn’t quit. I unlock the car and open the door. It continues to blare “weee-ooo-weee-oooo.” I slam the door, lock it and unlock it. Nothing is working and the noise is piercing. I decide fuck it, I am pulling fuses or cutting some wires so I open the hood and it quits.
All I can think is whew, that was awful. My heart is pounding, my lunch is on the ground and my pants are falling down exposing a plumbers crack I am sure. I shut the hood very softly, pull my pants up, pick up my lunch, shut the door and leave it unlocked because I am scared of it now. I didn’t even know it had an alarm, I knew the panic button when accidently pushed caused it to cry out like a hungry infant but I didn’t know it had a separate alarm. Someone once smashed my window and it didn’t notify me so I was a bit shocked it was having this fit even though I had not pushed the panic button.
Okay, I figure it is over the temper tantrum and I head up to work. I hear nothing else from Ms. Car until the next morning at the exact same time. Just when I get upstairs this time my co-worker says “Nikki, I think your car is doing it again.” Great, just fucking great, I run down the stairs and this time I just open the trunk and grab some needle nose pliers because I am going to cut some shit or pull some fuses. I open the hood, look at the fuse box, find the fuse number that coincides with the alarm, throw my keys on the ground and it quits. Well for fucks sake.
I calm down by slamming the hood this time and nothing. Oh no, Ms. Car is acting like an angel. With this recent expression of anger I conclude it must be the key fob thingy. She doesn’t make any sound the rest of the day and I figure it is fixed because I opened the remote, cleaned it out, got a new battery and everything is hunky dory. (What does that even mean?)
Life is good, work goes by quickly; I am happy and meet a friend after work for some chit chat and what not. I run some errands, stop by a friend’s house for a bite to eat and I head home after dark. As I am on the three lane cumbersome road known as Cypress Creek Parkway, I hear a noise. I look in my rear view mirror and expect to see red and blue flashing lights, the people in front of me are pulling off to the right, where is that noise coming from. Oh fuck, it’s me and my car alarm is going off as I am driving down this busy road. Yep, that’s right bitches, move out of my way “weee-ooo, wee-ooo” is on her way home.
I am posting this from the site https://iamnotbatshitcrazy.wordpress.com/
I think more people need to be aware of horrible and difficult struggles.
I would say that most people have heard the expression Bat Shit Crazy. It’s all fun and games until it happens to you. I could sit here and write for hours on how I lost my mind but I only recall bits and pieces of it. I have never been a believer of depression or mental health issues partly out of ignorance. I just believed a person should suck it up buttercup and get on with life. Well, that’s easy to preach until you are the bat and certifiably insane.
After I had isolated myself from every person who loves me, attempted suicide, drank myself into a catatonic state unconsciously, became homeless living out of a hotel, spent time in two psychiatric facilities, two Emergency rooms, six to seven Psychiatrists, three Therapists, and prescribed a total of 16 different types of medications in 5 months I finally have a sense of being.
I am not writing this so people will feel sorry for me or forgive my actions during that time. I am writing this to let people know mental health issues are no joke. If a person has a heart attack you don’t just say “come on, get out of bed and get going.” It was the same for me. My mind was going crazy, I couldn’t stop it. I wanted desperately to be me, the fun loving, calm, sane, down to earth girl I had always known. Instead my mind raced nonstop, suddenly no one seemed loving, work was boring, my entire body felt like quick sand, especially my thoughts. Anything that had ever caused me pain, shame, guilt took over my entire psychic space. There was no room for reasoning or sanity. The only way I know how to explain it, imagine being stuck in a trough of oatmeal trying to walk to the other end all the while crying and people just going on about life around you as you struggle to just take a step. You feel invisible and worthless and will do anything to get out of that misery.
Yet, like a heart attack, you can’t just go out and eat a cheeseburger and fries to feel better. It will have a negative impact on your body just as drinking alcohol will do to a person in a depressive episode. If you are really stuck and add the prescribed drugs to it all of the sudden you are face first in the oatmeal. I remember bits and pieces of the last few months. I can’t take any of it back. I can attempt to understand it and get to the bottom of it. I continue to read to understand it, I continue to write to explain it and I will do the work so it doesn’t happen again.
I take responsibility for my actions and I forgive myself. Yes, even the parts I don’t remember because my actions contributed to those episodes. I do not apologize for being in a major depressive episode though. I did not have any control over this chemical imbalance. I did not see any meaning to life and only wanted out. Thankfully I did have enough sense to get help and continue to do so every single day. It is going to take quite some time to understand the actions of that amoral, narcissistic person I had become. This started some years ago and I let it go untreated until it became quite complex. The truth is it is a matter of finding out what these underlying issues are and understanding them.
So, for those of you going through this there is definitely hope. Trust me on this. Watch out for medications prescribed. Don’t self-medicate and listen to your body. Get second opinions, third, who cares how many until you find what works for you. As a person once told me “some people are just wired different.” Stop yourself and ask for help when you feel like you are suffocating.
If you are experiencing a loved one going through this do what you have to do to take care of yourself first. Don’t give up on them if possible. If you have to then don’t feel guilty. Again, it’s similar to the heart attack. If they are out jeopardizing their recovery from the attack by drinking, eating greasy food or those kinds of things you have no choice but to let go.
If you are a third party trying to give advice on such a difficult matter, DON’T. You have not a clue what either side is going through and people experiencing such a horrific thing do not need to hear more negative things. A person going through a severe depression doesn’t do things to get a response out of others. They simply don’t see any other way out. What an awful thing to say about another person fighting to just survive.
No matter what, try and be kind. In any circumstance it is the only thing that helps.
And just to be clear, I know I am not crazy but it’s fun to say bat shit crazy. Oh and I can’t stand oatmeal.
Oh let me count the ways this bothers me.
1. Well shit lady, I was just about to smash my car into yours until I saw the sign.
2. Is this an advertisement for kidnappers? Just hang your kid from the window.
3. I am pretty sure every car out on the road has a human in it. Yes, every human rather small or large has a heartbeat and that is why we don’t want to crash into one another.
4. Did you drive like an idiot before your child and now you are more aware that you share the road with other morons who can’t drive?
5. Do you think that sign will stop some reckless wheeler from acting a fool? If they have no regard for others do you think that sign is going to stop them from being a dick? I can picture the thought process of an asshole driving fast and dangerous. Oh look they have a baby in the car, I better put my beer away and slow down.
6. What if someone can’t have a child and has been trying really hard to conceive or adopt? Now you are just rubbing some good fortune in their face, rude!
7. Oh your baby is a surfer? (Might take some of you a bit for this one.)
8. What in the fuck is wrong with you? Do you own a sign company and just had some leftover vinyl letters available so you thought I’ll just announce this to the world. This person even had it on the side windows.
Here are some of the signs I want to make:
NO BABY ON BOARD SO FEEL FREE TO REAR END THE SHIT OUT OF ME. (No pun intended.)
Here’s my Baby on Board
Stop with the stick figurine families as well. Some Stranger Danger Dude could be bored one day and see you have a bunch of children up for grabs. Just follow that car and bam, your honor student is snatched up. It’s even more brilliant when someone puts their name on a soccer ball. Now Creeps McGeeps knows the kids name when he offers them some candy. Hey, I don’t like the way the world has become either but we have to cover our asses and those we love now.
I was once a passenger in a car where sperm in a semen tank was being transported. Hell that might be a good sign, sperm on board. We could roll down our windows and make our hands flow with the wind to signal other people future children are on board.
I am not even anti-kids. I happen to share a home with three of them whom I love dearly. I have actually been the chauffeur on occasion. Yes, I become much more of a defensive driver and pay closer attention to my own surroundings but there is no announcement needed. We are all precious cargo people. It should be a given not to have to announce it. I don’t give a shit what’s on board, drive with courtesy so we all get out alive and well.
You know people; we dogs watch everything you do. There is a reason we don’t speak human, y’all would be in so much trouble. I watched my Mom open a box and pull out some pieces of plastic. She was reading the back of it and I was getting bored. I let her know I needed to know if this box contained food. She let me smell the plastic and it didn’t smell good so I walked away and got in bed. I started to drift off and then Mom was yelling from that room where the glass stall she gets in every morning is. I ran to her rescue only to find her in tears. They weren’t the sad ones where we cuddle all weekend and eat Cheetos. No, these were “I’m in pain tears.” She had one foot on the bathtub and one of the plastic pieces in…
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I was having a particularly rough Monday morning. I have been a bit down in the dumps lately with this and that. Nothing that will matter in a year or even a week so I don’t know why I’m allowing it but it happens from time to time. I decided to check my email as I was about to take my first sip of coffee when I opened up “Your blog, https://nikkiolsen.wordpress.com/ has been nominated for the Liebster award.”
My first thought was “crap, I have been hacked.” After a bit of research I also see that my dog’s blog http://sandido.wordpress.com/ was nominated as well. “Shit, why would someone hack a 9 pound helpless dog’s blog?”
Well, none of the above was true. This wonderful person with the blog http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/
not only nominated me but Sandido is getting a shout out as well.
A little more research showed that Liebster is actually a german word meaning:sweetheart, beloved person, darling, dear, darling; beloved, liked very much; affectionate, loving, favorite, preferred above others; liked or loved above others.
Um, are you sure you got the right person? I mean Dido definitely but I am a brutally honest smart ass.
Upon further investigation it seems there are rules and it is more to get the name of us little bloggers out in the big interwebs. It’s actually a huge deal to me to have anyone acknowledge what I really love to do.
I went ahead and put my gown away and stopped writing my speech for the big ceremony and read out loud to Sandido what http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/spreading-blog-love-the-liebster-award/ said about us. My face truly lit up and I felt proud of the following words:
“A big and sincere thank you goes to all my fellow bloggers for writing such interesting, funny, inspirational, and educational things every day – they are my nominees for the Liebster Award. Check them out and see what I’m talking about:
1. The Life of Sandido – a lucky-as-”chit” dog with a pretty darn good life. Funny, smart and opinionated, he’s sure to put a smile on your face every time you read one of his posts.
2. Nikkiolsen’s Blog – now you no longer have to wonder where Sandido gets his sense of humor. Like mother like son, I guess.”
Oh yeah, she hit the nail on the head. I was elated with these words and the nomination. Talk about a grumpy woman changing her mood from sour to sweet.
However, Sandido wanted his breakfast before discussing his blog.
The 11 questions about myself I am supposed to answer are the following. Here goes nothing.
1. Have you done much traveling? If so, where?
Yep. Usually on a plane, train or automobile. Even a ferry from time to time.
2. What is your favorite thing to do on a day off, or a day just to yourself?
Oh let your imagination run wild.
3. What compels you to share what you do with others?
It’s part of my probation.
4. Who are some of your biggest influences in life?
My girlfriend and Mother.
5. How many languages do you speak?
Drunk Ebonics and English.
6. What is a very memorable experience you have that has influenced you or your direction in life?
Falling out of the uterus.
7. What is an important goal of yours?
To get paid to do what I love. (This.)
8. What is your best tool for dealing with opposition in life?
A screwdriver, definitely a screw driver.
9. What is the one thing you think people need to embrace to enrich their lives and the lives of others?
10. Where is one of your favorite places to go and enjoy or visit?
My Mom’s house on Vashon Island with my love.
11. What are 3-5 words that best describe you?
Nikki, Sarcastic, and a bit off.
Now on to the random facts about myself:
1. My socks will never match again in my life. Once upon a time I had to have them folded, paired, color coordinated and sorted by size. My closet looked like a GAP store. It was a ridiculous amount of time wasted.
2. The more I care less what people think of me the happier I become.
3. I believe my dog rescued me and opened up my closed heart.
4. I’d rather be around my dog or by myself than 90% of the human race.
5. I’m only on number 5 and this bothers me because I am supposed to do 11.
6. There is a rubber chicken above my desk staring at me.
7. I refuse to use the word hate.
8. I am over this randomness.
Now I am suppose to nominate 5 or more blogs with less than 1000 followers.
1. http://lauraagudelo272.wordpress.com/ Because I love funny pictures and the ease of navigation is wonderful.
2. http://bensbitterblog.wordpress.com/about/ Because it makes me laugh.
3. http://annalindthomas.com/about/ Again, I love to laugh.
4. http://lateralloveaustralia.com/ Always brings me back down to earth with a meaningful quote.
5. http://fadinglandmarks.wordpress.com/2014/06/30/spreading-blog-love-the-liebster-award/ Because I like the love of nature portrayed and she hasn’t owned a television in 7 years.
These are the rules for being nominated. I don’t expect anyone to do it unless they choose to.
If you have been nominated for The Liebster Award AND YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, write a blog post about the Liebster award in which you:
– Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)
– Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.
– Provide 11 random facts about yourself.
– Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have a less than 1000 followers. (Note that you can always ask the blog owner this since not all blogs display a widget that lets the readers know this information!)
– Create a new list of questions for the blogger to answer.
– List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here.) Once you have written and published it, you then have to:
– Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!).”