Hope continues on

This will make no sense unless you read “A Girl named Hope.” I do not know how to put them in any kind of order but I will figure this out when I get back from Mouse Land.  Be back next week…..

The following day she heard the story and was told she was 4 or 5 steps away from the bathroom when she turned around to be with nature. Hope was on the couch nursing her hang over, listening to her voicemail and stories of her drunkenness.

Suddenly she went lifeless again. The message was to tell her of her friend Belinda’s death. She sat there with no expression. To afraid to say anything because how in the hell could this happen again? Her friends were going to think she was a magnet for demise. “What in the fuck is going on” she thought.

Hope had experience three deaths in thirty three days. What were the odds? Not only did she have those three deaths to grieve but her home of 9 years was gone. The love of her life was gone. She had been numb for 3 years prior to this due to prescription drugs she was abusing to hide from a bigger pain. Now Hope was drug free, in a strange new region with none of her long time friends. Experiencing grief for the first time was no easy task for the girl. The walls were being built higher and higher.

“My friend Belinda died” she explained to her Mom on the phone.

“What?” her Mom replied. “How? Are you serious?”

“No, I am making the shit up Mom. I suggest you stay away from me if you value you your life because people around me are dropping like flies.”

“No kidding, are you okay?”

“I don’t know anymore. I think I should go to the funeral but I don’t want to go to Houston. I will be back in Washington in a couple of days” she replied as she hung up.

Upon returning to Washington Hope simply had no will to exist. She was not suicidal but simply did not care. She managed to make it day to day. Depression, grief, and fear were overwhelming her. Doodie was missed beyond comprehension. It was clearly time to attend more therapy sessions. Yet she trudged on, gathering with friends on the weekend, meeting new people and working during the week.

It was a beautiful time of the year to be in Seattle and people enjoyed Hope’s company. There was something about her personality which seemed addictive. She attended barbeques, picnics, volleyball games, gatherings, clubs and parties. There is no way to determine how many people she had met. Every person being instrumental in her healing process.

Mitch and Hope had been friends prior to his marriage to her Mother, Barbie. They met in Texas where they worked together. He was from Michigan and had no family in Texas. She invited him to her Mother’s home for Christmas 14 years ago and he never left. He is only a few years older than Hope, three to be exact. They spent many of the evenings during the week together. She was starting to emerge a little from her depression. Mitch provided a good ear to her as well as teaching her the “ways” of the island life. Recycling is a must on Vashon Island. Hope remembers reading articles about Vashon. According to census reports there are many lesbians with 1.8 children on the average. Hope wasn’t sure how someone could have .8 of a child. It must be a slow child. Poor kid!

Two grocery stores exist on the Island. One is the favorite of the two. It caters to the organic hippy like residents. This makes up about 88% of the island. With a new region come new rules which Hope was learning by the day. She went grocery shopping one afternoon. When checking out the checker asked if she had any bags. Hope looked the cart over and didn’t see any and thought what in the hell is he talking about? Surely she didn’t need to point out the obvious to this long haired jack ass.

“Umm, no sir I don’t have any” she replied

The man gave her a dirty look and said “we charge 10 cents per bag; you need to bring your own. Do you want to pay the ten cents?”

Hope thought, “What am I suppose to say? Well what the fuck do you think? Just shove the shit back in the cart and I will push it out to the car and dump it like a load of sand in to my trunk.” Instead she replied quietly, “Yes I will need the bags.”

Hope looked around at the other shoppers and sure enough most had these little cloth bags in their carts. She just knew at any moment there would be an announcement from the loudspeaker “lady in checkout lane number 2 forgot her own bag.”

She looked at the man bagging her groceries with double bags and thought “Damn and they look at me as if I had just dumped toxic waste in Puget Sound.”

Hope brought in the groceries and asked Mitch about the cloth bags. He informed her there were 3 in the trunk of the car. She should have known this. If there were a natural disaster Mitch is prepared to live months out of the car. Her friend Dorothy had been out to visit her on the island and mentioned if an earthquake hit Seattle she would be the first one on the ferry to live comfortably at Mitch and Barbie’s home.

Hope liked the housekeeper named Ying. Obviously, an asian woman if you didn’t figure that one out on your own. She was the topic of many journal entries. The earliest time she realized Ying was a source of entertainment was the first time she laughed after Doodies passing. Ying showed up at her usual time to clean the house. Hope was walking up the stairs to get more coffee. Ying inquired about the whereabouts of “the little dog.” Hope looked down at the floor and said “He was sick and didn’t make it through and died.” Because of the language barrier Ban looked at her and said “Oh, no wonder he so quiet.”

Hope couldn’t help but laugh. It was the laughter she needed.

Unfortunately Ying could not read English either.  One day she decided to spot clean the carpet with bleach cleaner. Barbie was furious and begged Mitch to find out if she was insured. The argument over his refusal to do so was escalating and Hope interrupted the shouting and said “I don’t know what the big deal is. We can now play twister whenever we feel like it now.” Damn, why do people have to be so serious about everything? Man.

This needs to be pointed out…Hope does NOT like to shop.

Wholesale stores are extremely popular in Washington. Mitch owns stock in Costco and believes he must buy everything in the store every few weeks to keep his investment prosperous. Barbie likes a store called Cash and Carry. One day she wanted some mother and daughter time with Hope. Hope agreed and off they went to get their nails done and do some shopping. Now, Hope is not a girly girl. Tomboyish is more her style. She has long hair but dresses comfortable and doesn’t like to shop.

She texted a friend while at the nail salon and it said “Why are there so many colors of nail polish? I mean seriously how many shades of pink could there be? How do I pick one?” Her friend simply replied “lol.” She was serious. It was a hard decision and why was it a laugh out loud experience. Sheesh.

After the Asian women were done with them at the nail salon they went to Cash and Carry. Barbie asked Hope to go get a cart. There were no “regular” types of shopping carts. There were only shopping cart thingamajigs. It had a basket type thing in front of a piece of long steel. Kind of looked like a metal table with wheels and a handle to push. She searched the usual locations. Nothing! Finally, around the corner of the store she spotted one. She grabbed the handle and pushed. Immediately the cart hit the wall. Well shit…it’s broken” she complains. Another attempt and she smacks into the building again.  “Damnit!” comes out of her mouth louder than it should.

She pulled back and forth, side to side and tried to get it straightened out.  She heard some laughter. Two women were looking at her shaking their heads. She dismissed it and went back to the autopsy table on wheels.

She yanked it, side by side, back and forth to got it to move. She finally gets it to the door and swung it wide. An innocent person jumped out of the way. “Ha” she thinks “I got this.”

Hope proudly pushed her cart past the two bitches who were laughing. “Whatchya know about me” goes through her mind.

The damn thing is going to the right down the first isle. A woman is watching Hope go sideways down the next aisle shaking her head as well. “What lady?” She wants to say but refrained from doing so. She hears ”you pull.” As she continued looking for Barbie anticipating her next wide turn it finally hits her….OH, she said pull.

Hope told her friend Dorothy of this encounter and she said “You should start a journal of all of your new experiences because they are quite entertaining.”

“Whatever” she said, “I get these hi-lites for a reason lady.”

However, Hope got a journal and started writing stuff down. She found it difficult to express herself in words. The first journal entry was: “I went to see a concert tonight with friends. Wow, I like this pen. It writes smooth. OK, bye now.”

It sounded like she had A.D.D. when she read it the next day.

Hope continued on with life. Things were looking up. Her therapy sessions went from twice a week to once a week. She was making progress in getting to the bottom of her sadness. She was still incredibly lonely and sad. Of course Doodie was missed with every breath and beat of her heart. Her journaling was at a new level. Her friend Dorothy stayed on her about sharing them.

To be continued again…

A girl named Hope

I want some feed back on this one people. Let me know if you hated it, loved it, cried, laughed, etc…

Hope and her dog packed four boxes and some clothes and headed towards Seattle from Texas. Her heart had been ripped out of her. She was unable to cry, laugh, argue, smile or anything really. The poor thing needed some help and needed it fast. Anger boiled inside her. Hope was sad, rundown and numb!

Upon arriving in the beautiful Evergreen State she learned her Grandfather was terminal. She boarded a plane to Wisconsin 72 hours after her arrival in Washington. Unable to react or feel a thing she stood at her Grandfather’s funeral 8 days later with no emotion. Hope’s Uncle, a therapist, talked with her about allowing her to grieve the loss of her 9 year relationship as well as the loss of her Grandfather. This was not something she knew how to do.

“I have to get out of here Mom, I’m driving to Minneapolis and getting on a plane back to Seattle, I miss my dog.”

“OK, we will be there in a couple of days” Barbie said to her daughter.

Hope arrived in Seattle around midnight and waited on the ferry dock until 2:10 a.m. and arrived back at her house too late to bother the neighbors who were dog sitting. At 6:30 a.m. she couldn’t stand it any longer and knocked on the door.

“Hi, apologize I am so early but I couldn’t stand it any longer. I miss my boy” Hope said quietly to Sheila.

“Oh no bother, we were awake. I am sorry to hear about your Grandfather. How is your Mom holding up?”

“Thank you, she is doing pretty well considering.” Hope explained while looking beyond the door for Doodie.

“Come in, Doodie is asleep and not feeling well. I am afraid there has been some diarrhea. He ate a whole chicken burrito from Cameron’s lunch yesterday.” She said.

“I am sorry Hope, it was in my backpack and he opened it and ate the whole thing. I told my Mom I was afraid because it was almost as big as him” Cameron added to the conversation.

“Oh baby, that’s okay, he is always opening purses, duffel bags, backpacks, anything with a zipper and taking gum, mints, hair brushes and especially food from them. I should have told y’all.” Hope explained looking over at Doodie sleeping away thinking it was odd he did not wake at the sound of her voice.

“Pssst, Doodie” she said and he jumped up and ran to her. His little nub for a tail was going crazy. He whimpered for her to pick him up. As she held him he gave her a kiss and she felt joy for the first time in 9 days. Doodie’s stomach made an insane sound and he relieved himself of some gas.

“Oh Shit” Hope shrieked and put Doodie outside.

“I told you” Cameron shouted “Shit is right.”

“Cameron, go to your room. You know better.”

“I’m sorry” Hope sighed “That was improper and I am exhausted and not thinking. Thank all of you so much for taking care of him. I am going to get some sleep.”

“It was a joy having him around; he is simply precious despite his slyness.”

“I hope his shits are gone” Cameron yelled from his room.

The door shut and Hope could hear Sheila tell Cameron he was grounded for a week.

Doodie took care of his business while keeping Hope in his line of vision. He missed her as much as she missed him. Hope fell on the couch and was out like a light. When she awoke four hours later, Doodie was asleep next to her on his back and his head on her shoulder. The bag of dog food she brought home with her from the neighbors was ripped up on the floor.

“Doodie, you little asshole” she said as she kissed his head. “You are lucky you are so cute.”

For the next couple of days they unpacked and got somewhat settled. The two discovered new beaches investigated the island and explored their new region.

Doodie would bark at the ferry workers when going aboard the vessel. This made Hope laugh. She was not fond of these nazi like people. The ferry was a good source of entertainment when the workers were not yelling at people for accidentally pulling in the wrong lane or not getting close enough to the car in front of them. People watching is the freest form of entertainment on those ferries. On one of the crossings Hope and Doodie were taking in the clean air when a woman wearing a Ducati leather jacket, leather pants, motorcycle boots, long gloves, a big helmet complete with a visor and goggles hopped on her moped and drove off the ferry with a “meep meep.” Hope stared with an open mouth while Doodie cocked his head to the side. It was a site for sore eyes.

Hope had completely set up her office and was attempting to do some work. She had no drive or ambition for it. Her sadness was overwhelming and she was lonely. Her Mom and Step Father were the only people she knew in Washington State. After some online chatting she decided it was time to go meet some people. Going out on a limb she drove to the north part of Seattle one Friday night and met some new people. What a culture shock this was for her. People she met were amusing and friendly yet she was stayed reserved and shy. Something similar to being the new kid in 5th grade as the teacher introduces you to the class. They went to some clubs that night and Hope could not believe the tattoos, piercings in every orifice, gauged ears and grunge. WOW, a total shock from the “prim and proper” Southern women and “redneck” men in Texas. The country had met urban. On Sunday she attended the Pride parade and was in complete awe. The words she later became known for came out of her mouth. “I love this place.”

Texas was all she knew. Yes, born in Wisconsin but 24 years in Texas had made her a “southern” girl. Washington State and Texas are as similar as Bush and Obama. They may be in the same country but two separate worlds. One is not better than the other, just diverse. Washington is a “green” state, in every sense of the word. They call it The Evergreen State for a reason. The grass is soft and plush. It stays green almost all year long and no worries about fire ants. It feels good between the toes and many times Hope would lay in it under one of the many apple trees on the property and dream into the clouds. Washington has the push your Prius to work attitude while Texas believes the bigger the better. Jack up a truck, throw some big ass tires on it, make it loud and scream “Hell yeah!” A person can stand on hill in Texas and look as far as the eye can see. In Washington an individual is surrounded by the Cascades, the Olympics, Mt. Ranier and Mt. Baker. Hope missed Texas although the gorgeous surroundings captivated her. The citizens were compassionate and bigotry rarely showed its ignorance unless you dared not to recycle. If you were caught littering or mixing your plastic with aluminum a public hanging would be ordered.

Hope began spending weekends with her new comrades. Doodie didn’t tag along for these adventures much. There were late nights, pet restrictions at friends’ homes and it was only one maybe two nights. Hope had to sneak out of the house so Doodie wouldn’t cry for her. He hung out with the “parents” on Friday and Saturday nights while Hope was out with friends. During the week they played online in the evenings and during the day he slept under her desk in his little bed. If she went to the bathroom, he went with her. The weather was beautiful so Doodie often sat in the car while she did errands or went to therapy. On the third weekend away from Doodie, Hope had a nightmare. She dreamt Doodie had died.

Hope grabbed her phone. “Mom, is Doodie okay?”

“Yes he is hope although I had an awful dream that he died” her Mom replied.

“Mom, don’t fuck with me, I had the same dream last night, I am coming home” she said and hung up.

Hope told her friend she had to go. It took two hours that day to get home because everyone and their cats, nieces Grandmother were going to the island. Finally arriving home appearing like she recently completed a triathlon, clothes wrinkled and her hair looked like rats made a nest in it there was Doodie in his cage chewing on her Step Fathers wallet while her Mom was cleaning the carpet.

“MOM…Mom, Mother what happened?” Hope screeched as she unplugged the carpet cleaner so Barbie could hear her.

“Oh nothing, I wasn’t paying attention to him. Doodie had an accident by the door. The poor baby has had diarrhea. He me to asked me to go out but I was not quick enough.” Her Mom answered calmly.

Hope reached into his cage and pulled the wallet from him and picked him up. He kissed her on the cheek and then rested his head on her shoulder. Hope then handed the wallet to Mitch and shrugged with an expression of I am sorry. The two went outside and sauntered around the five acres surrounding her home. The two sat in the soft grass together watching boats cruise Puget Sound. It was getting late and Hope was famished. All of the panic and frustration of getting home she had not eaten all day.

“Come on Doodie, let’s go eat.”

Doodie just looked at her and didn’t follow.

“What’s the matter buddy? Are you tired?’ she said as she picked him up.

They went in and she fixed him his rice and chicken her Mom cooked him due to the digestive difficulties. Mister burrito eater smelled it, licked it and walked away. Hopes instinct knew something certainly was not right. He was 15 years old after all, so she yearned it was an upset stomach.

At 3a.m. Sunday morning Doodie was sitting on her chest, walking to the end of the bed, back to her chest until Hope woke up.

“Doodie what in the hell?” she murmured.

He whined and pranced in a circle at the end of the bed.

“Ok, ok, baby…let’s go” she said as she picked him up and set him on the ground. He darted to the door but it was too late. He was sick.

“Oh it’s OK buddy” she said as she picked him up and put him outside. “Go potty while I clean this up.”

Hope got tears in her eyes. This rarely if ever happened. An actual emotion and one a person could see. She had no doubt Doodie was indeed ill. He wouldn’t let her out of his sight for a minute without whimpering for her. She stayed awake all night with him. At 9:00 a.m. she called the vet and said Doodie needed to be seen right away.

The Vet ran all kind of tests on him, suggested a different diet and said he would call with the results within 24 hours.

“No, that’s NOT acceptable. Doc, I am going to apologize in advance for my neurotic behavior however this little man you just called a senior patient is my rock, my heart, my soul. Take some x-rays, give him something for pain, nausea and hydrate him and then and only then I will go home and wait for you to call” Hope pleaded and paused and then said “please?”

The Vet did just that. Doodie ate a little that night but still woke her up three times.
The Veterinarians receptionist called the next morning. “Hope, at your earliest convenience Dr. Bones would like to see Doodie to go over the results with him.” Hope briefly paused then uttered “okay I will see if he is up to driving me over to the office with him to translate since he doesn’t speak English well. We are on our way.”

“Can you see this mass right here where the intestines meet the stomach” the Veterinarian said to Hope.

“No, all I see is some black and white lines that do not mean shit to me. Just tell me what the hell the problem is. Er…I mean please.”

“He has an inoperable tumor and can’t digest his food any longer. We can do some more tests and I can suggest some medications but he is an elderly patient.”

“No, I am not going to put him through that.” Hope whispered but never took her eyes off Doodie. He looked back at her with the softest saddest eyes. Hope was not sure if she could go through another heart break. The damn thing was barely beating as it was.

“Take him home and see how he is in a couple of days. He is plenty hydrated and his blood work is fairly decent. He is not in any immediate danger.”

“okay” fuck.

Hope went home and explained to Mitch what the vet said and requested him to call her Mom. She put a sweater on Doodie and they headed to their spot on the grass to watch the boats. There is no telling how long they rested there. Her heart was heavy and gloomier than she knew possible. Doodie was quiet, exhausted and slept in her lap that afternoon curled up in a ball. It was getting chilly and it was time to go in.

“Let’s go buddy” and he popped up like a puppy then began to follow her. Hope stood happy to see the energy. Immediately Hope a little “hope.” Half way to the house he stopped, looked at her and sat down. Hope turned around and picked him up; he snuggled up to her neck and gave her a faint kiss on the cheek. Once inside she made him some food and put fresh water down. Hope picked him up off of the couch where he laid watching her and put him next to his food. He turned away from it. She got down on the floor and sat with him next to his little bowls.

“Doodie, tell me what you want, anything baby. I will get you a burrito, a wallet, the stinkiest shit out of the trash or even a fillet Mignon. Whatever you want baby.” She begged and pleaded as tears started.

He looked at her with those warm brown eyes and inched closer to her, put his nose to hers and groaned with a slight sigh. That is all the energy he had.

“OK baby, ok” she whispered. “ I understand,”

Mitch took Doodie to the vet for Hope. She couldn’t do it. Her “little man” of 15 years was gone. It was heartbreaking for her to simply move. When she handed Doodie to Mitch she turned and ran hard and fast to the beach below the house. Every rock in sight was thrown as hard as she could at the water.

“Are you fucking kidding me? The love of my life is gone. I miss her with every breath I breathe. I watched my Grandfather take his last breath. I loved him so much. God Damnit, haven’t I been through enough? Why do you have to take him too? Are you done?” She screamed to the sky and fell to her knees sobbing uncontrollably. “What did I do wrong?” she cried. “What? Please stop, please…please.”

Hope didn’t speak to anyone for days following Doodie’s passing. She had called her ex when Doodie put his nose to hers and they agreed it was time. A person doesn’t spend their entire adult life with a dog and not know what they are saying. It’s like a child in most ways. It’s a huge loss and leaves an individual empty and vacant.

The following weekend Hope met up with her friends. She was still very upset but knew she needed a distraction. They all went out and Hope started drinking in a way she never had before. The Crown Royal was going down like water after being lost in the desert for two days. At 2 a.m. when getting in the cab she knew she was in trouble. The cab driver was driving like Jeff Gordon on crack with Rusty Wallace chasing him.

“I’m going to be sick” she bellowed while muttering something else about “If I wasn’t so drunk Ali Baba would have my foot shoved up his ass for driving like a monkey with a banana allowance.”

“Just hold on a minute” her friend Liz said to her as the cab driver took the next corner on two wheels.

The cab came to a stop and Hope fell out of the cab and stumbled towards Liz’s apartment, walked in the door, backed up, bounced off the door frame then turned around to walk up a flight of stairs across to the lawn area and grabbed a tree and lost some contents.
Liz wanted to assist however her laughter consumed her. Hope was only four steps from the bathroom when the country girl in her came out. Talk about nature called.

To be continued…