Not Always such a Peaceful Easy Feeling

The Eagles may have fibbed a bit.

I had to search deep inside of my being to find some peace recently. I think we all find ourselves in situations where we can’t shut our mind off. When I am hurt about something I almost obsess on the situation. Okay, not almost, without hesitation I am consumed. I know better, I am better than that but it takes me a bit to find clarity in what is bothering me. When I use “that” I mean in the bigger picture, the realm of life. You know, is this going to matter in a year, a week or even a day? I think of all of the times I worried myself until I was physically ill and mentally exhausted and cringe. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat and now I can’t even tell you what the actual fight or pain was over. It’s time to stop that shit.

I was struggling pretty hard this week for some tranquility when I came across this:

It is said that one day the Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. “You have no right teaching others,” he shouted. “You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake!”

The Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man, “Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The young man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, “It would belong to me, because I bought the gift.”

The Buddha smiled and said, “That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself.”

Whoa, that is powerful stuff right there. Of course it made me step back and wish I had that in me. That serenity, the ability to not take things personally, so I started reading more and looked deeper in myself and found that I wasn’t okay with my being, my behavior and that constant nagging I do to myself. So I said “self, shut up and forgive yourself and others and get busy making some good memories.” I couldn’t get out of my funk though so I had to face what was bothering me.

It seemed to be everything this week. It could be something as small as hitting a bunch of red lights on the way to work or someone giving me some criticism. I start to think everyone and everything is against me. That’s a cluster of bullshit and I know it. Seriously, did the stop lights on Itsallaboutme Ln. conspire against me? Of course not, and neither did anyone else. It is my choice if I choose to be around people who are not kind and belittle others. I can’t take that personally. It’s not about me, it’s about them. As I call it, I get “all butt hurt” and sit and fester in someone else’s shit. Well, time to drain that septic tank and be done with it.

I am old enough and wise enough that I should be able to step back and distinguish the difference between someone else’s misdirected anger and my own conduct and differentiate between the two. Yet, this is what happens when I squander my time on taking things personally. Now my challenge is to step back from the accusation and let itself work itself out. It may be small to me but not the other person. I am just not good with conflict. I find it demeaning and I shield, defend and then collapse. The most difficult lesson in my life has been to accept I am not responsible for another individual’s behavior and let it be. It’s a shame I could not have got this through to my thick ego last Tuesday. Okay, Tuesday back in 1942 but who’s counting?

I have to give my partner some credit here. I always read and hear that saying “only you can make you happy.” Oh shit yes, it is beyond true but in this same sentence I can say without a shadow of a doubt; I want to be a better person because of her. Not for her but for me and for us. I like who I am when I am with her and she makes me happy. I love our family dynamic; I love my time with her and away from her. In all of these lessons of life, she has shown me something I continue to learn on a daily basis, it is okay to not be perfect. She has taught me how to not take everything so literal as well. You can’t buy that stuff and I am lucky.

To sum all this up, every day is a learning experience. It is up to me to find the beauty in the ugly experiences we must endure. It is effortless to fall victim to tradition and take things personally because we were taught or acquired it in our lives. It is up to me to stop that circle of negativity. It is up to me to surround myself with good and positivity so hopefully I can show the little ones in my life how to be kind and non-judgmental. It is up to me to learn from hurtful experiences and be a better person by owning my own behavior and not repeating the same mistakes. I will attempt to see others’ core humanity and resist putting Nair in their shampoo. I will show love, compassion, gentleness and all in an effort to make this place we all share a bit better. That’s all I got in me today folks. I almost have some sort of liquid forming in my eye so I have to stop writing. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to sort out my feelings through words.

Let’s all be kind and expect the same.

Peace.

Resolutions and Scratched Floors

I haven’t made a resolution at the beginning of the year in about 6 years. It’s too much set up for adversity in my life.

I have decided the entire New Year resolution material kicks my realist self into over drive. For instance, it goes like this in a conversation:

Person A: I am going to make a New Year’s Resolution. I am going to lose 10 pounds.

Me: Is it for the New Year or what you ate in the last? I would call it end of the year regret. Well maybe, unless you ate a bunch in the summer and gained the weight. Then you HAVE to call it Middle of the Year Resolution. This is confusing, when will the food be ready?

Person B: Nikki you are such an ass. I am going to quit drinking for my resolution.

Me: I am going to get a vodka for your single-mindedness.
End of conversation.

You see, I don’t give a rats ass what people are going to do or did. If I want to drink I will drink. If I want to eat I will eat. I don’t have time to listen to all that shit. Listen to your body, eat better and stop looking for quick fixes. You know I bet those people who sank in the titanic were pissed they didn’t eat dessert.

A person said something the other day and I took it with me. It was about scratched floors and she said “I just don’t care.” I wanted to jump up and down and say “thank you.” I didn’t though. I probably just stared at the floor.

Why would you care about scratched floors? Those little small things in life which people choose to go in a tizzy about are exhausting. If you read my stuff it is apparent I could give a shit about that paraphernalia. Remember when the housekeeper spot cleaned the carpet with bleach? I sat back and watched the frenzy of panic and madness going on around me with no expression. Once the chaos came to a slow I simply said “I don’t know what the big deal is, we can play twister whenever we want.”

It’s up to you which battles you want to fight or in most cases hide from. If your day is really over because the floor is messed up I think it may be, just maybe time to look at the bigger picture. People think I am nuts when I buy a car and walk out there and put the first ding or little scratch on it myself. Just get it over with, it’s going to happen. Now look down, see those things with toes on them? Move one in front of the other and let’s get this life moving again.

Lighten up people, life will go on whether the yard got mowed on Sunday or Saturday.

Listen to yourself. Do not live for anything but you. The rest will fall in place. Make resolutions like “I will be more kind, I will hurdle that obstacle holding me back, I will face a fear or I will hug more.” Go way out on a limb and even start thinking “I should maybe open my heart up a little.” (That was obviously my own self.)

Shit, I don’t know just do something positive and stop with all this bullshit about I am fat or I drink too much. You take care of you and let others do their thing and we will all be smoking hot with no habits because there will not be any more judgment. Think about it…

Move on people, forgive yourself and smile. It is evidence of the happiness after all.

Instead of a new year resolution I am going to name mine Nikki’s Doggedness. I will eat more, drink more, write more, laugh more until I cry and take care of me. I will try to work on the open my heart up and attempt to trust a little. That’s it until someone scratches the floor. Then it’s on…

Peace.

Who in the hell flies North for the Winter?

The majority of you know I just packed my stuff and moved from a town a little North of Houston to and Island outside of Seattle. I am not going to get into the specifics of why. I am tired of deep thoughts and tragedy at this time. Instead, I plan to give y’all a wee bit of insight of what goes on in my head when alone with my little Chihuahua in a car for five, yes five days. The dipshit, that would be me, decided to take this trip with no real route except to El Paso.

Stop laughing!

Two of my favorite people in the world live in El Paso, Texas. When I pulled out of my driveway at 5:00 a.m. I headed west to their home. This is where I planned to spend my first night “on the road.” For the geographical challenged, El Paso is located in the westernmost corner of Texas, right where Texas, New Mexico, and Mexico come together. You cannot get out of that town without going through a border patrol checkpoint. As a matter of fact I was talking to my friend “Chuck” on the phone and bam, she was gone and I received a text which read “welcome abroad.” Of course I was still in Texas but AT&T thought I had jumped the border.

The three of us had a wonderful night filled with walks down memory lane, yummy food and entirely too many alcoholic beverages. I did not leave their house until 10:30 a.m., way beyond my anticipated time. So, I begin to approach the border check point. There are two cars in front of me. The drug dog went hog wild on the first car so they went to secondary. The vehicle immediately in front of me had a Mexico license plate, red tape for the tail lights and the bumper was held together by duct tape. They went to secondary as well. I pull up and the agent says “anyone else in the car?” Sandido pops his head out from under his blanket and I say “just this bastard Chihuahua mix and I know he doesn’t have papers.” He was less than thrilled and told me “just go.” I looked in my rear view mirror for some kind of reaction but someone obviously pissed in his cheerios.

I wanted to post my own sign about him.

My best friend and I have a thing about signs. We question their existence, look for inconsistencies, and generally love to take pictures of them. As you know, if you drive a quarter way around the world you will see many signs. The first one which made me laugh was the following:

You all know my wife’s husband’s name is Dusty. So I take a picture and send it to them saying “I added a Y for you two.”

I didn’t make it far that second day. I-10 was coming to a slow down to a complete stop. Great, I don’t think I even have been driving for 5 or 6 hours. I have been having fun texting back and forth with Chuck, Cooly, Alma and others. There are a lot of lights and then the flashy things on the road and we are being detoured off of the highway. Oh man, where am I and what is going on? A truck full of chickens hit a truck carrying newspapers so you can use your own imagination as to what the road looked like. Screw it; I am still hung-over thanks to Thor, Blair or whatever our alter ego names are. I see a Hampton Inn and use Google and call it and yep, they are pet friendly. I pull out of the parking lot and head that way. I see more red and blue lights and then many, many, more colors. It’s a Christmas parade at night time and I am smack in the middle of it. People are waving, singing Christmas songs, drinking hot chocolate and all Merry and shit. I said “Jesus, really?” I just wanted to get to the hotel and then I see the name of the town.

Oh great, I am going straight to hell for blasphemy. The people are still waving and cheery so I wave back and finally pull into the hotel parking lot.

When I started this trip I forewarned people I would be using the talk to text feature so I wasn’t responsible for grammar or what words the phone used. Chuck received a funny text about the above which made no sense as to what was really going on. I meant to save that text but of course I didn’t. I also downloaded a tracking device on my phone so the important ones could track me.

This one I simply told Sandido I would be in the car and good luck with the bathroom break. I was pretty sure they didn’t mean people were walking their Pythons around on leashes.

Here is one I don’t understand. I saw so many of these I laughed.

So fucking what? If I see some wings and a propeller behind me am I supposed to pull over to the right and wait for the pilot to deplane and give me a ticket? Then I saw one of these:

CRAP, maybe they will pull me over.

I passed a couple of these as well.

My first reaction is the usual, “No shit dumbasses.” Then not even a quarter of a mile down the road I see this sign:

Um, put those guys out there to pick up that trash. I’m pretty sure there is another highway away from a prison which needs adopted. The poor road has probably been in an out of the foster care system and does NOT need a convict to look up to and be cared by. Sheesh people!

The third night is was getting dark and I started seeing these signs with no future lodging information. I have a fear of hitting animals or them hitting me. One deer did $7,500.00 damage to my truck years ago and it hit me in the side.

I know most of you see a cow. I see a raging bull going ape shit on my car. I was driving a 4 wheeled drive truck when that deer hit me ages ago, not a car. Still no clean and safe hotels in what seems like 250 miles.

Oh great, FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
I am using my bright lights as much as possible but it’s a two lane road because some dipshit wanted to drive a different route to see beautiful scenery. Everytime I see the lights of another I go to dim mine and that stupid Mercedes feature of when you tap your turn signal it flashes 3 times happens. I look drunk if you are behind me. This playlist is on my nerves when finally, signs of a town bigger than a population of 117 inbred and this sign pops up.

Um, no thank you.
So I push on and finally find a clean Best Western and sleep for 12 hours. Ahhh, I am going to drive the rest of the trip in one shot. Yeah right dipshit; you were the one who picked this scenic tour. The terrain was Mountains to Death Valley to Mountains. I was sending daily scenery pictures to Chuck and a few others. I am pretty sure they all looked the same. Oh and oooh, ahhh, another pretty sunset. I am starting to feel like shit from the dry area and the elevation changes. Yep, I end up at an Urgent Care Clinic in Vegas. Get some antibiotics and some other band aids for my sinus/ear infection and get back on the road. That stupid tracker thing let people know I wasn’t feeling good. Crap!!

This is one of the many pictures sent to my Mom, Alma, James, Lori, Chuck and probably everyone else following this crazy road trip.

I begin to see signs for Aliens and other Extraterrestrial experiences. I have already pushed my limit on taking pictures while driving but when I see the following I have to send it to a few. It was making me feel better and let’s face it, my friends are hilarious.

Oddly enough, Chuck was the only one who told me I should stop. I wasn’t in the mood for that type of crab so I dredged on. I know why they call it Death Valley. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. I was sick of music, audible books about every damned thing from writing to murder and the one radio station that I may be able to pick up. I decide to light a cigarette and at that moment I decide to quit. I throw the pack out the window. Shit, I just littered. Well, I think it’s okay if I am doing it to save my life. I really am against littering, for real. Now I am screaming the lyrics to “Chasing Cars” and losing it.

At approximately 4:20 I go over yet another, yes another damned mountain pass when I see the following sign.

This made me laugh. I stop at a truck stop there. I bought a new audible murder mystery, a pack of cigarettes and almost talked myself into a shirt because it read “WEED, CA.” It was a beautiful view of what I told some people was Mt. St. Helens.

I am so ignorant. I forgot what mountain it was but I corrected myself when I did pass Helen a day later. However, I am sure the people are high in that town. I went to walk Sandido and got a bit confused.

Excuse me? What, WHAT do you people want me to do, the kid has to pee. I open the new pack of cigarettes and realize I threw out my lighter in the obnoxious act of littering. Good job dipshit.

Why am I heading North for the winter? Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? I am looking at this park wishing I had a way to light this damned cigarette when I see the following sign.

This is horrible but my thought was “that fat kid will never let the skinny one down.” You see, there is something wrong with me and y’all keep reading about it.

Peace out suckas.

And thank you Mom, Chuck, Alma, Cooly, Lisa, Wayne, Christine, Belle, Lori, James, Susan (all 3 of you) and everyone else who kept me from losing my mind, kept me laughing, endured my boredom, shared my views and kept me safe. The jury is still out on the “sound” part.

My Persons

Yesterday was a fun day filled with laughter, friends, dogs and food. Without a doubt, my favorite 4 things in life. I am considering some kind of support prosthesis for my face. The amount of muscles I worked out in my cheeks, jaw, lips etc. is out of control. I had three, yes three incidents this weekend where I laughed until tears flowed. I am not kidding when I say these muscles are sore. What a wonderful feeling.

Without hesitation I continuously take moments to stop and look around and appreciate what I have. Last night I went outside to look for a missing individual when I found something that broke my heart. It was a 23 year old woman with a little Chiweanie. Both were in good health but she calmly explained to me that her boyfriend dumped her and the dog on the side of the road and that is how she ended up sitting on the curb in front of my car.

Remember, I still had an issue of a missing person so I walked in and got one of my closest friends to come out and question the stranded girl as I searched for the drunken one. I remember prioritizing the situation and telling the girl I will deal with her after I corral the missing. I mean hell, she was stranded and obviously not going anywhere. Once the stumbling drunkards were put back in the playpen I went back out to the interrogation of the girl and dog.

As my good friend put it, “Where are your people child?” The fucktard who dropped her on the side of the road took her wallet and phone of course. Understandingly so, she only remembers a few phone numbers in her head. I can relate but as I thought about it further any one of the numbers I know by heart I would have a situation like that remedied. I wanted to take her dog and drop her at a rehab center. You could see the agony of addiction in her face. My heart was breaking but more for the dog. At any given moment she could walk in the other direction but that cute little canine, damnit, now I am picturing his little face. Damn, damn, damn….

Long story short, my fellow sober friend who helped me chase down the intoxicated took her to the apartments where fucknut lives. I am still bothered even after a good night’s rest. This will shock no – one but of course the situation reminded me of how lucky I am to have “my people.” I don’t want to be annoying and thank everyone in my life in this blog but I am going to tell my “persons” each in different ways, how incredibly fortunate I am to have them.

As far as the girl, I can only hope and wish and send it to the Universe that she makes the choice to stop living a life such as that. I will also randomly drive by that apartment complex because it is down the street from one of my places of employment and hope I see her. I simply want to give her my number in the event she can’t take care of that dog. I will find him a home. She needs to know if she chooses to get sober and step in the right direction I will make sure that dog is waiting for her when she is ready. I already wrote the note and put it in my wallet in the event I see her walking down the road. That is all I know today.

Peace out suckas and if you are one of my “persons” reading this, I am positive you already know how incredibly thankful I am to have you in my world and heart. I love you all! Now go tell your people how fantastic it is to be loved.

A little extra input today: Japanese quote: 雨降って地固まる (ame futte chi katamaru) Literally: after the rain, earth hardens
This means: Adversity builds character./After a storm, things will stand on more solid ground than they did before.

Peace within ME!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I haven’t written. When I sit down with a good writing mind a few words spill out on the page and before I know it I am snoring with my lap top as a pillow. I am more tired than usual lately and my hours are scattered. No matter how hard I try I can’t stay with a thought long enough to expand on it. Generally when this happens to me it is a reminder I need to take the time to find my center.

For more than a week now I have taken more time than usual to spend with myself. I know some people don’t know what that means but I am my favorite person and thoroughly enjoy my ME time. It gives me the opportunity to take a step back and understand myself a little more.

I try extremely hard to not criticize or complain. Of course this is easier said than done but in the overall picture of things it also depends on who you are spending your time with. I have a problem with confrontation. I tend to avoid it like a fat kid shies away from raw vegetables. It is difficult for me to watch people make bad decisions and display destructive behavior. I was actually confronting people when I witnessed their negativity and overall ridiculous choices.

Thankfully I am learning to physically talk to people rather than running away or hiding behind text messages. Communication needs to be done in person with an open mind if you want your end result to be a positive resolution. It took me tens of thousands of dollars and therapy to figure that one out. I can be just a tad hard headed sometimes. At least I know it now and use it, sometimes. 

Now that I stepped away from these people I am back to myself. It took me a million years to understand I am not responsible for other people’s behavior and I can’t fix everything. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking in the last month but oh what a relief it is now that I put myself back in charge of the only person I am responsible for, ME!

Their negative energy and my nose being in other people’s business were draining my well-being. Despite the fact I had good intentions and simply wanted the best for them it wasn’t mine. I look back at it and shake my head. If it were physically possible I would kick myself in the ass but I am afraid that action would land me flat on the ground and that is so not good for these ribs. Not to mention I would look like a yoga exerciser on crack.

This morning I woke to my Chi-weenie staring me down. Sandido loves to burrow himself between my arm and body with his head resting on my shoulder. I grumbled a little bit but then smiled. When I smiled I felt his tail wag. I thought this was funny so I decided to test something. I stayed absolutely silent with my eyes closed and would do different expressions. When I acted sad and frowned he nudged himself closer to me as if he wanted to comfort me. If I smiled his tail would wag at first until he was in a full blown body wag. Then I completely relaxed my body and pretended to be asleep. Immediately he breathed a little sigh and his body went limp with content.

This little experiment made me realize how contagious a person’s energy can be. I understand my little man is more in sync with me than any human but that’s my fault. I tend not to let anyone in that close. It’s time to take a few of those cinder blocks out of my wall and at least share some of my positive calming energy.

Thankfully, I was able to step back away from the negativity and be true to myself even if it did cost me a friendship. Trifling people aren’t true friends anyway. I will now work on being more compassionate, accept my flaws because I am human and live right here, right now, in this moment. Apparently I forgot I had enough on my own plate when I attempted to take on others dysfunction. Ahhh, big sigh.

Have a beautiful week. I am going to enjoy my two passions, writing and cooking.
Peace out suckas!

It is YOUR choice to be a victim.

A friend of mine posted the following quote on a particularly rough day. “Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” I think it originated from Albert Einstein. The quote is a powerful statement giving what my last week has been filled with.

Most of you know this but for those of you who do not I was robbed at gunpoint. I am not sure if I am allowed to disclose the specifics due to the lack of communication from law enforcement. As a matter of fact I have not heard one word since the incident. It is not as if I want to tell the story again anyway.

I was hit in the forehead with a gun and roughed up quite a bit. The idiots’ theory was what he said “don’t call the cops bitch.” Like I was supposed to just lock up and go home and let my employer just wonder what happened to all of the cash and why I was at the Emergency room. Whatever you ignorant bastards!! Of course when I got my bearings after being hit I immediately called 911. I can still hear that voice in my head, “put the money in the bag bitch.”

I love my job. I choose to be employed there for a number of reasons. We are a family and all like one another. I have the highest respect for the owner. His theory is simple; do your job and you will be taken care of. I have always felt safe there and treated it as if it were my own. He has the biggest heart despite his attempts to act like he doesn’t. Our customers are simply a big family as well. Respect flies around that place like mosquitoes in the summer.

I take pride in surrounding myself with individuals with kind hearts and a good spirit. I give back and pay it forward as much as possible. I continue to hear “karma is a bitch.” It does not seem to be good enough for me right now. Even if I know it is the truth. This will pass in due time with some work and determination.

I forced myself to go to work on Wednesday, less than 48 hours after the incident. I am a firm believer that a person chooses to be a victim. (Please read that sentence over until you completely understand it.) It does not have to do with just being a victim of an act of violence but everything that happens in our lives. Rather your partner cheats, someone steals your identity, you were in an accident or other events which have an impact on your heart, soul or entire being.  However I have to believe some experiences the Universe throws at you leaves only one alternative, I must appreciate my life that much more.

My Mother is a strong willed individual and I am thankful she passed this on to me. I am grateful for her, I owe her for all that I hope to be and all that I am. She took me away from an unhealthy life and gave me a chance. I gained the ability to NOT be a victim because she refused to be one. I wish more people would do this for their children. I am almost 40 years old and her decisions so many years ago continue to impact me in the utmost positive ways. I may not have a Father figure but at least I have one parent. Some people have none.

I do not know what day it was this last week but I made a decision. When something tragic happens you find out who has your back. I will no longer waste my time on people who bring me down. I have done this on a couple of other occasions and it always proves to be a positive inspiration in my life. It is simple; you surround yourself with who you are. It is impossible to count the number of people who offered a hand, an ear or just their presence during my time in need. These are the individuals I want in my life.

My favorite question came from a patron on Friday night who asked me “Oh honey, are you having boyfriend problems?” I just looked at her with a look of pity wondering what kind of life she has allowed herself to live and shook my head.

I have since spent a couple nights alone. The first one was tough and I did not sleep much but I am now starting to sleep in more than 2 or 3 hour increments. I have police officers with me every night now. When I worked last night I was tense the entire evening. When they walked in I was able to let my guard down and smile again. One step at a time is all I am looking at.

As for my injuries, they are healing. My eye is still swollen and ugly yet my heart is still beautiful and I will persevere. My elbow still does not want to twist without a little pain. It is in the attitude. You can play a victim all your life and blame actions on your past or events which impacted you or you can do the work and become a better person. I choose the healthier part and will only have the equivalent around me.

I do wish I would have taken some time because the second week was harder than I imagined. I was having problems going to a place I happen to love. It was fear, anxiety and much more. Every time I imagined myself going to my beloved job I threw up. I did not want to leave the house. Of course if you know me at all, you know I went. It was not a good night. I was down and out and suspicious of any person I did not know. I don’t think anyone blamed me.

I worked hard today. I went to my therapist and toward the end of the session she did a wonderful deed. She asked me “is there something you have been thinking about buying for you and have not?” They robbed me as well so I lost some cash that night as did the bar. I had to think for a minute and said “yes, a duvet cover and some pillows for my bed to make it more comfy and pretty.”  She smiled and said “good, comfort is healing so todays session is on me but only if you go buy your pretty coziness.” I was shocked but did just that. One must admire her for giving me some retail therapy and getting me back in my bed. I had been sleeping on the couch.

I will also take her advice on taking it easy on myself and stop trying to mask the fear and pain these horrible angry people took from me. Oh and of course extra measures have been taken care of for security. It is awesome what they have done and are doing as I type this. This will not happen again in OUR house. Of course that good hearted man is going to look out for his people.

Take this opportunity RIGHT now and do something kind for someone else. I am serious. Just do one random act of kindness today. Now…watch your surroundings, be kind to others and peace out suckas!! Your life is your own.

 

Damn fine job “Santa’s”

WOW…this is all I want to post in this blog. Enough said, peace out suckas!

Just kidding.

What happened from my last post is simply amazing. People gave to this family as if we are not in a recession. The contributions were anywhere from $5 to $500. Others simply helped wrap and spread the word, equally important. Individuals I have known for 15 years and complete strangers came forward. I don’t know how else to explain other than a list, so here is what I remember:

$1,840.00 in cash

$200 Kohls gift card

Numerous gift cards to restaurants

American Express & Visa gift cards.

My entire car full of gifts for the kids.

More clothes than you can shake a stick at. (What does that mean anyway? Who shakes sticks? Ha)

Legal Fees taken care of to file the enforcement on the no paying, deadbeat butthead. (I am trying to be nice)

Clothes and gifts for the Mother

Christmas dinner is being provided.

They have a Christmas tree.

A furnished apartment.

Of course this is just a list of “stuff.”  It was the people who touched me. On Sunday I had to walk away from everyone while we were wrapping the presents because I had a lump in my throat. Well, that is what I am going to call it anyway. I looked around at all of these beautiful souls spending their hard earned money and/or their precious time paying it forward and it made my heart warm.

Tina delivered the “stuff” to them on Wednesday. She had to take the Suburban because it wouldn’t all fit in the car. The Mother just thought she was coming over to talk to her about the apartment. She was shocked and extremely appreciative. Maybe a little overwhelmed as well. The boys were elated and allowed to open one gift. Of course they picked the biggest packages. It was the huge monster remote control trucks including the batteries given to them by Carla. They were super excited. Tina explained to the boys that she was helping Santa out because he was busy. The youngest looked over at his brother with a serious face and said “see, I told you Santa was real.” Aww, how sweet is that?

So, thank you everyone for making a beautiful Christmas for this family and perhaps a new beginning for them. It only takes a second to make someone smile. It feels good and I hope y’all try it today. I love each and every one of you! What an awesome job we did. This is what happens when people work together.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Hanukkah, Kwanza, Easter…whatever works for you! Just make it warm and loving!

Now go unbutton your pants and eat some more. Why? Because you can!

Peace out suckas!

Don’t be a deadbeat! Just sayin…

Well well…It is -10 below zero in Wisconsin. I am glad I do not live here. The majority of my family lives in this region and as much as I love them, I am only a visitor here now. There is something different about this trip though. I will attempt to work it out here in words.

First of all, the reason for this trip was to attend my Grandmother’s funeral. She passed at the age of 92. Mildred Olsen was a strong, good hearted and wonderful woman who retired at the age of 81. I can only hope I acquired some of those genes. She raised six children and many others including a grandchild. One of those children is my Father. (For those who have a low IQ)

During the wake, visitation before the funeral and the luncheon that followed the funeral I was introduced to many people. As I stood next to my Father I watched expressions and reactions of many. I am a spitting image of the man despite he has not aged well. There is no denying I am his child. There is something in me that wants to slap him when he proudly claims me. One woman sweetly looks me up and down, looks over at him and immediately back at me and says “you my dear, are simply lovely.” I thanked her and glanced at my sperm donor next to me beaming. I wanted to scream “don’t you dare take credit for that compliment.” Of course I keep my inner voice in check and graciously shake the hand of the next person in line who informs me she changed my diaper and do I remember her? Oh sure I do lady.

After the funeral I did something I never thought I would do. Actually it was something I never wanted to do. I had a beer with my Father and my 6 cousins. I don’t really know any of these people. I am the oldest grandchild on both sides. Apart from of a few summers in my early teens I have not spent much time with these individuals. My Father is not an exception to this statement.

It is hard to see him drinking again. I see myself in his behavior and it scares the shit out of me. This is why I regularly put myself in check and stay away from alcohol for periods of time. I never want anything consuming me and taking over. I know I talk a bunch of smack and many people associate me with alcohol but I have different sides. But shhh, keep that a secret. It’s not as if I am going to post this for the whole world to read.

I wouldn’t change a thing about me. I wouldn’t change a thing that has happened to me. I accept I can’t change how my Father is. I can only accept him and his behavior. No-one purposely throws their life away. He is hiding from demons and some horrendous pain. I see that. I forgive him. I have to. The anger consumed me most of my life. Like alcohol, anger will consume you and take over as well.

If you are reading this and wondering why I would post something so personal. Think about it. I will gladly share some of my life if it reaches one person who is not accepting responsibility for a child. Stop what you are doing and fix that. You do not want to be that person who is 62 years of age attempting to have a relationship with your 38 year old child. Don’t say you can’t fix it because there is no such thing. Do you want that child standing next to you saying “You are not allowed to accept any responsibility for this?” For those of you who are that shallow, think about it in a different manner. What if that child grows up to be wealthy or famous? You get nothing except irresponsible douche bag status. Sorry, I know that is rude.

In the mean time I will continue to work on my relationship with this man I barely know and love him for what he is. Do I wish this would have taken place sooner? Of course, but these are the cards I was dealt. AND I plan on winning this hand.

Oddly enough a friend of mine just posted something on her Facebook status. Here it is:

“Painful as it may be, a significant emotional event can be the catalyst for choosing a direction that serves us–and those around us — more effectively. Look for the learning.”

Enough said!

Peace out suckas!

http://www.fugitivehunter.org/deadbeats.html

Lock your door, the “Gays” are everywhere.

The last couple of weeks I have coped with a lot of hostility, prejudice and ignorance concerning my sexuality. I could sit here and give genetic and biological factors on the reason I am gay but I don’t feel like it. Instead I am just going to give it to you from my heart. It’s kind of where it all comes from anyway.

I actually cried, well okay it wasn’t a full blown cry but I did have a few tears.  I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. (no pun intended) It was a combination of a week filled with question after question, joke after joke, dumb ass after dumb ass.

Imagine this for a second. You are laughing, having a beer with friends and playing pool when you have to use the facilities. I walk in the stall and pull one of those toilet seat covers out and it rips in half. I have to giggle a little because I actually considered using it and only sitting on half the seat. Don’t worry I didn’t. I pulled another one out and was sitting there when I heard the door open and a woman’s voice.  “Is that your girlfriend out there?” I ignore this because it is not a familiar voice. If it was a person I knew then they would know that was not my girlfriend out there.

“Hey is that your girlfriend?” echoes again.

“Uh, NO” I quietly say because I have no idea who is asking me this crap but I am the only other person in the restroom so I know it is directed towards me.

“Oh, well if it was it would be okay.”

“What?” I reply as I am walking out of the stall towards the sink. The expression on my face in the mirror is one of confusion. I am wondering if I have just entered the twilight zone. I shake my head.

“My Aunt is gay and some times my husband and I play poker with her and her friend. Sometimes when I do good I kiss my husband and they do the same thing sometimes and it freaks me out. I mean I am sorry but, ew, I just can’t look. You know what I mean?” she says with a nervous giggle.

I don’t reply to her. I don’t even know who this woman is. She obviously watched me walk in the restroom. I don’t think she walked in the restroom and looked under the stall and said “OH wow, those Nikes must be gay.” Why is she telling me this and does she really believe it is okay to tell me this randomness?

As she walks out of the stall I am drying my hands. I modestly look at her and give her my best fake smile that really implies “I want to slap your ignorant ass into the next century where perhaps you can find an ounce of comprehension.”

“You don’t look like one of them. You are pretty but I don’t mean it like that.” She says as she stutters. “I mean you know what I mean.”

Everything in me wants to wink at her and say “No, what do you mean sugar britches?” and slap her on the ass but of course I do not. I would love to see her go in to a homophobic coma however that is not how I roll.

“No, not really, I do not know what ‘THEM’ look like and you should kiss your husband when you play well, not good.” I say and walk out the door.

As I walk back to my friends I can’t help but think how she even knows I am gay. When she signed up for pool league was there a clause that stated “Nikki on the team that plays at 8:00 is gay? Please feel free to discuss your family issues and phobias with her while she pees.” I don’t know this woman. I still don’t even know her name. OR do I want to!

Last night I defended my sexuality to a douche bag who is over 60 years OLD, in a bar at closing, hanging out with people in their twenties and a wife at home. Yes, I do realize I should not care what the fat fuck thought but I guess I had enough. When he looked at me and said “it is okay that you choose to be that way. You have a good personality and are pretty so I still like you.” I nearly came untrained. If I would have been in different surroundings I would have stooped to his level and berated him like a red headed step child.  I asked him if he chose to be attracted to women. Of course his answer was “no, I love women naturally.” I looked at him silently waiting for him to catch on but he never did. I had to walk off.

I could go into some other stories but I am over them. The moral of this story is simple. We are all different yet we strive for the same things. I firmly believe in the phrase, “Don’t hate, educate.” This is why I am telling this story. It is my attempt to promote greater acceptance, understanding and overall mutual respect.  I can assure you if a person is prejudice they have a deeper hate for themselves individually than the stereotype they are belittling. I can handle the hatred because I am essentially the most beautiful person I know. The woman who said those things to me simply has a low IQ and doesn’t get out much. I can forgive that. One day the man who said those things to me will eventually figure out that an erection isn’t personal growth.

In the meantime, stop the hating people. Meet the individual, not the skin color, sexuality or religion. Unless a gay person starts slapping you on the ass and chasing you through the house you are safe. Truth is, we don’t like you just because you are of the same sex. It takes a little more than that. Sorry to burst your bubble.

Peace out suckas…and be kind! Sheesh!

Thank you for LIFE!

I celebrated my 38^th birthday recently. I am a big fan of the anniversary of the day I entered this world. It is officially the 2^nd of November however I generally start it on Halloween. This year was no exception but instead of ending it on Thanksgiving I am quitting early. I already said it was my 38^th and if I plan on celebrating the big four-OH I need to preserve my energy. I am no cougar yet but I am sporting the puma status well.

I don’t use the word blessed often but I truly am blessed. Sometimes I wonder if I ever truly appreciated what I have or more importantly who I have. I mean hell, most of my friends are long time companions of mine but I never fully recognized the value of friendship. I am more conscious now of others. I seem to attract the most beautiful souls and I do it effortlessly. How awesome is that?

I have a plethora of new friends as well. The age range is from barely legal to retirement era.  I often stop and ask myself how I got so lucky but I know the truth. It could be my personality or the fact I accept everyone individually regardless of age, gender, looks or race. I can kick it with most anyone as long as they have a good heart. I can throw down a shot and have a beer or talk over a cup of coffee. If you want to have ramen noodle soup in a trailer or filet Mignon at a four star restaurant I am your girl. I can be pretentious but I prefer my flip flops.

I am not writing about myself to brag but rather to try and say “thank you.” I see my good fortune through my people. I no longer reject compliments. I am thankful of them. I don’t look at the bad side of people. I choose to find the good. Believe it or not there was a time when I was shy and so self conscious I barely functioned in society. I could be in my car with tinted windows on a dead end street and still wonder if someone was talking about me or my appearance. Obviously times have changed and so has my attitude.  It’s all in the “tude” baby and this “tude” is a good one.

To say you don’t give a shit what others think is a cop out. When you degrade another individual it is actually your own short coming. You do not need to identify with everything someone says. Let me try and explain that one. If a person says “Hey, I got a new car” or “so and so said I was beautiful.” There is no need to follow it up with “Did you see my new car?” or “last week he said I was hot.” Let the person have their moment. Listen to people. Be happy for happiness. It is contagious and will come back around to you.

I don’t know when this little self help trip I am on will end but for the mean time you all are stuck reading about it. AND as usual I am way off point here. What I really want to say is thank you again for making the anniversary of my birth special. If you were one of the several who left me a message on Facebook, one of the individuals who played dress up on Halloween, one of the four wheeling crew on Sunday, one of the 54 people who came to see me at work, one of the 30 who partied with me after work, or the ones who brought me presents, sent text messages and sent me cards….THANK YOU for making it special. I treasure your friendships more than you know.

Oh and I am sure that sentence is so wrong grammatically. Enjoy this beautiful day and open your heart and mind. Peace out suckas!