Who in the hell flies North for the Winter?

The majority of you know I just packed my stuff and moved from a town a little North of Houston to and Island outside of Seattle. I am not going to get into the specifics of why. I am tired of deep thoughts and tragedy at this time. Instead, I plan to give y’all a wee bit of insight of what goes on in my head when alone with my little Chihuahua in a car for five, yes five days. The dipshit, that would be me, decided to take this trip with no real route except to El Paso.

Stop laughing!

Two of my favorite people in the world live in El Paso, Texas. When I pulled out of my driveway at 5:00 a.m. I headed west to their home. This is where I planned to spend my first night “on the road.” For the geographical challenged, El Paso is located in the westernmost corner of Texas, right where Texas, New Mexico, and Mexico come together. You cannot get out of that town without going through a border patrol checkpoint. As a matter of fact I was talking to my friend “Chuck” on the phone and bam, she was gone and I received a text which read “welcome abroad.” Of course I was still in Texas but AT&T thought I had jumped the border.

The three of us had a wonderful night filled with walks down memory lane, yummy food and entirely too many alcoholic beverages. I did not leave their house until 10:30 a.m., way beyond my anticipated time. So, I begin to approach the border check point. There are two cars in front of me. The drug dog went hog wild on the first car so they went to secondary. The vehicle immediately in front of me had a Mexico license plate, red tape for the tail lights and the bumper was held together by duct tape. They went to secondary as well. I pull up and the agent says “anyone else in the car?” Sandido pops his head out from under his blanket and I say “just this bastard Chihuahua mix and I know he doesn’t have papers.” He was less than thrilled and told me “just go.” I looked in my rear view mirror for some kind of reaction but someone obviously pissed in his cheerios.

I wanted to post my own sign about him.

My best friend and I have a thing about signs. We question their existence, look for inconsistencies, and generally love to take pictures of them. As you know, if you drive a quarter way around the world you will see many signs. The first one which made me laugh was the following:

You all know my wife’s husband’s name is Dusty. So I take a picture and send it to them saying “I added a Y for you two.”

I didn’t make it far that second day. I-10 was coming to a slow down to a complete stop. Great, I don’t think I even have been driving for 5 or 6 hours. I have been having fun texting back and forth with Chuck, Cooly, Alma and others. There are a lot of lights and then the flashy things on the road and we are being detoured off of the highway. Oh man, where am I and what is going on? A truck full of chickens hit a truck carrying newspapers so you can use your own imagination as to what the road looked like. Screw it; I am still hung-over thanks to Thor, Blair or whatever our alter ego names are. I see a Hampton Inn and use Google and call it and yep, they are pet friendly. I pull out of the parking lot and head that way. I see more red and blue lights and then many, many, more colors. It’s a Christmas parade at night time and I am smack in the middle of it. People are waving, singing Christmas songs, drinking hot chocolate and all Merry and shit. I said “Jesus, really?” I just wanted to get to the hotel and then I see the name of the town.

Oh great, I am going straight to hell for blasphemy. The people are still waving and cheery so I wave back and finally pull into the hotel parking lot.

When I started this trip I forewarned people I would be using the talk to text feature so I wasn’t responsible for grammar or what words the phone used. Chuck received a funny text about the above which made no sense as to what was really going on. I meant to save that text but of course I didn’t. I also downloaded a tracking device on my phone so the important ones could track me.

This one I simply told Sandido I would be in the car and good luck with the bathroom break. I was pretty sure they didn’t mean people were walking their Pythons around on leashes.

Here is one I don’t understand. I saw so many of these I laughed.

So fucking what? If I see some wings and a propeller behind me am I supposed to pull over to the right and wait for the pilot to deplane and give me a ticket? Then I saw one of these:

CRAP, maybe they will pull me over.

I passed a couple of these as well.

My first reaction is the usual, “No shit dumbasses.” Then not even a quarter of a mile down the road I see this sign:

Um, put those guys out there to pick up that trash. I’m pretty sure there is another highway away from a prison which needs adopted. The poor road has probably been in an out of the foster care system and does NOT need a convict to look up to and be cared by. Sheesh people!

The third night is was getting dark and I started seeing these signs with no future lodging information. I have a fear of hitting animals or them hitting me. One deer did $7,500.00 damage to my truck years ago and it hit me in the side.

I know most of you see a cow. I see a raging bull going ape shit on my car. I was driving a 4 wheeled drive truck when that deer hit me ages ago, not a car. Still no clean and safe hotels in what seems like 250 miles.

Oh great, FUCK FUCK FUCK!!
I am using my bright lights as much as possible but it’s a two lane road because some dipshit wanted to drive a different route to see beautiful scenery. Everytime I see the lights of another I go to dim mine and that stupid Mercedes feature of when you tap your turn signal it flashes 3 times happens. I look drunk if you are behind me. This playlist is on my nerves when finally, signs of a town bigger than a population of 117 inbred and this sign pops up.

Um, no thank you.
So I push on and finally find a clean Best Western and sleep for 12 hours. Ahhh, I am going to drive the rest of the trip in one shot. Yeah right dipshit; you were the one who picked this scenic tour. The terrain was Mountains to Death Valley to Mountains. I was sending daily scenery pictures to Chuck and a few others. I am pretty sure they all looked the same. Oh and oooh, ahhh, another pretty sunset. I am starting to feel like shit from the dry area and the elevation changes. Yep, I end up at an Urgent Care Clinic in Vegas. Get some antibiotics and some other band aids for my sinus/ear infection and get back on the road. That stupid tracker thing let people know I wasn’t feeling good. Crap!!

This is one of the many pictures sent to my Mom, Alma, James, Lori, Chuck and probably everyone else following this crazy road trip.

I begin to see signs for Aliens and other Extraterrestrial experiences. I have already pushed my limit on taking pictures while driving but when I see the following I have to send it to a few. It was making me feel better and let’s face it, my friends are hilarious.

Oddly enough, Chuck was the only one who told me I should stop. I wasn’t in the mood for that type of crab so I dredged on. I know why they call it Death Valley. Your mind starts playing tricks on you. I was sick of music, audible books about every damned thing from writing to murder and the one radio station that I may be able to pick up. I decide to light a cigarette and at that moment I decide to quit. I throw the pack out the window. Shit, I just littered. Well, I think it’s okay if I am doing it to save my life. I really am against littering, for real. Now I am screaming the lyrics to “Chasing Cars” and losing it.

At approximately 4:20 I go over yet another, yes another damned mountain pass when I see the following sign.

This made me laugh. I stop at a truck stop there. I bought a new audible murder mystery, a pack of cigarettes and almost talked myself into a shirt because it read “WEED, CA.” It was a beautiful view of what I told some people was Mt. St. Helens.

I am so ignorant. I forgot what mountain it was but I corrected myself when I did pass Helen a day later. However, I am sure the people are high in that town. I went to walk Sandido and got a bit confused.

Excuse me? What, WHAT do you people want me to do, the kid has to pee. I open the new pack of cigarettes and realize I threw out my lighter in the obnoxious act of littering. Good job dipshit.

Why am I heading North for the winter? Isn’t it supposed to be the opposite? I am looking at this park wishing I had a way to light this damned cigarette when I see the following sign.

This is horrible but my thought was “that fat kid will never let the skinny one down.” You see, there is something wrong with me and y’all keep reading about it.

Peace out suckas.

And thank you Mom, Chuck, Alma, Cooly, Lisa, Wayne, Christine, Belle, Lori, James, Susan (all 3 of you) and everyone else who kept me from losing my mind, kept me laughing, endured my boredom, shared my views and kept me safe. The jury is still out on the “sound” part.