Just A-Bitchin’

This is what my best friend and I call “just a bitchin.”

I need to get a few things off my chest. Okay, not a few but a few million. Marilyn Monroe quotes make me want to strangle the person who posted them. “If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” or whatever the hell the exact words are. Well, no fucking shit! Why did it take you reading a quote of someone dead to figure that out oh brilliant one?

Another one I despise is “If he is the right guy, he won’t leave.” Just call yourself the Einstein of stupidity fuckwad. Thank goodness it is from an anonymous source (I think.) You would have to be at your worst to write that shit down.

“Spend life with who makes you happy, not who you have to impress.” Are you effin kidding me? I bet that same SOB you are trying to impress is trying to change you too. No worries oh insecure one. If he/she is the right one they won’t leave when you are old and not impressionable any longer. Face it; we all get ugly. Seriously, have you seen a great pair of 75 year old breasts? How impressive will you be sitting in a HoverRound and Depends?

“Never settle for less than what you deserve.” I can barely comment on this one. I suppose there are those times in life where your partner is exactly what you deserve. It’s called Karma. Have you fucked someone over before? Booyah, there is your ever so loving revenge. Trust me, look at my ex. I completely and totally deserved that. Now I treat people with respect and stopped all the bullshit meaningless relationship/one night stand crap. It was wasting my time and theirs. Ah to be impressed and then fooled.
I just have to say this… If you have to work really hard to even get in a relationship. Just move the fuck on right now. Relationships are hard work and compromise at times…not EVERY time of every waking day.

If your significant other is jealous of friends/family/kids/dog/people walking down the street/the cucumber at the grocery store. It’s time to walk, no wait, put that HoverRound in over drive and haul ass. I am not going to get into a big thing here about what jealousy shows about how secure you are in life.

I have a theory after spending more than 70% of my life around drunks. You want to know someone? On their fourth drink of choice sit back and watch. Fuck, go get some popcorn. The shit is about to hit the fan or the tears are about to flow if the issues are not in check. Just get up and leave if either occurs. Unless, you have a PHD in Psychiatry/ Psychology/ Neurology/Excusology/BS-Ology then sit back and make some money. Make sure you charge in 15 minute intervals because those drunks like to fall asleep without notification. Bam, table on face and then the snore is on. Go to bed or pack up the house. The evening is over and welcome to their worst.

I suppose I need to put a disclaimer on this. I am not saying give up on anyone who goes through a rough patch. If the patch has lasted more than a year; well it’s not a GD patch it is a freakin’ field. Either commit to harvesting the crop with them or plow your own path out.

I know the next person I share a home with is in trouble. If we get that place together and it falls apart between us there are some new rules. She better poop some money and build an addition because I am not moving my belongings out again and losing or leaving my “stuff” behind. I use to have a theory that all material things were “stuff” and you can always get more “stuff.” Fuck that, I am tired of giving up ½ my table and walking with two chairs. I have to build new legs and the thing keeps getting smaller. If you want half of my stuff ever again, I am bringing one big ass chain saw. I mean like house size. I will cut that bitch in half and you can move your new bitch in over there.

I doubt with my new found respect for myself this will be an issue. I stopped that wiring uhauls crap a long time ago. Meaningless relationships and one night stands because I was lonely or insecure is so far dead I might as well call it a Marilyn Monroe phase.

Peace Out Suckas!

One more disclaimer, no real ex of mine was used as an example in this ridiculously stupid blog. Carly Simon is singing to you. “You’re so vain, you probably think this…” Well, it’s not. It’s called sarcasm and I am full of it. Every person in my life is and was extremely important. I am thankful for every one of them. Seriously, I am a bad ass person now. Thank you!